journal

to read about my suicide attempt please scroll to october 3rd

11/26/22

11:28pm
very busy last few days. the next few days i will be recording 9 new songs for my band. really excited for this. i might post some of the rough mixes on here, at least for the ones i wrote.

11/17/22

10:37pm
i dont know what to do with this blog. i dont have any feelings anymore. im medicated and its taken away everything that makes me feel. im not happy. im not sad. im just empty. i dont have any feelings to write about anymore.

11/01/22

10:19am
ive been out of the hospital for2 or 3 weeks? the honeymoon stage of freedom has worn off. i wanna die again, really badly. no plans to attempt suicide again though. i dont know if i will try again any time soon.maybe in a year or two? who knows. i dont think id be able to be sucessful anyways if i couldnt do it with the SN.

10/30/22

9:49pm
i dont have much to other than im still alive.

10/25/22

12:56am
i was going to try and upload my journal i wrote. im just shaken up by this whole thing i think, i dont want to think about it for a while. im trying to get myself in order. i dont know

10/18/22

12:36am
im here and im alive. im doing well. i was in the hospital from 10/3-10/6 and then transported to an inpatient facility and i was there from 10/6-10/14. so i was underlock down for nearly 2 weeks. i couldnt even pee without being watched.
yeah i so i attempted suicide on oct 3 as you can see in the blog post below. it was unsuccessful. im still here. ill go more into detail about this whole experience in a different post. i am medicated now. i am a bit hopeful for what could come of this. well see how it goes.
i do not plan to attempt again for the time being. im not sure what to do about this website if i dont feel like trying to kill myself again.

10/03/22

1:35pm
is today the day? im not scared. i feel horrible. im worried about my parents. im thinking of just mixing the sn drink. drinking it, hopefully not vomitting. and then taking a nap. im really tired.
i drank some sn at about 2:05 my heart is beating fast my head hurts. im reallyscared. im listenig to bad religion trying to calm down. the suffer album is my favorite.
i dont know if i took enough
trying not to theow up
im crying a lot. i drank more i gave the guitar i built a hug its 2:20

10/03/22

2:12am
sick of being yelled at by m. i dont want to be treated like this. we went to see our friends band play tonight. everything was going great and we were having fun. i was in a good mood. on the way home she started something from nothing. she brought up old problems from months ago, and eventually started yelling at me. its like she did it on purpose, just because i was in a good moood she wanted to bring me down. nothing she said even made any sense tonight. it seems like she hates me.

thinking a lot how i can end my life tonight if i wanted to. im not going to do it though.

09/30/22

11:23pm
just another day. another day. the same things happen over and over again.

09/28/22

12:44am
what is going on with me?
feeling very troubled about the state of my relationship. if you have been keeping up with this site you know that m and i have been pretty not good, well i guess since i started writing in here, but also before that. so disragarding any arguments that are happening, here is what is going on.
so i went to school for music, i am not having any luck finding a full time job. m went to school for physics. shes been applying to jobs for a few months, and is at the point where she is getting interviews. and im sure she will be getting job offers after that. the two main places shes looking at is one about 30 minutes away from where we live currently. and one in new york. i think she wants to move to new york but wont say it. i dont really like discussing this with her because i dont want her to make a choice because of what i say.
ideally, i think i would like her to move away and get a job out of state. i think our relationship is very strained (i will get to why i think that soon) and if she moved away, i think it would be away for us to have a concrete reason to break up. of course this means my band ending as well. i think in my head ive already accepted both of these things are going to end soon, and i guess im okay with that.
why is our relationship strained? what are the problems? i dont think she loves me anymore. i feel like its been this way for over a year. recently she seems so annoyed and irritated by me. i dont think im that annoying in general. shes always a little angry. and lately she has been picking fights out of nothing. i think someone would only do that to someone they hate. i dont know if she hates me. she might. she hates people who are suicidal (her sister) and she knows how i am so i dont see why she wouldnt hate me. also the picking fights out of nothing isnt new, it has always been happening.
why dont i just break up? i dont know. i dont think i can. in october we will be together for 6 years. thats so long. im stuck thinking that things can go back to how they used to and also missing my band. and i dont know if my reasons are good enough, her being mean and me thinking that she doesnt love me. i would rather just her do it. i know she wants to be done with me. and i just want her to get it overwith already. its stressful every day. i dnt know what else i can say about this right now. im pretty upset.

09/26/22

1:36am
sorry for disappearing for about 2 weeks. not a lot happened. i went to riot fest on friday of last weekend. it was very fun.
hopefully i can get back on track writing in here. i actually havent been feeling too bad lately, up until these last few days is when ive started to get bad again. i have tried starting a new project to keep me distracted. im trying to make a video game. im making it in rpg maker 2003. it is heavily inspired by snes jrpgs, im kinda going for that vibe. ive never done anything like this before, and i might not ever finish it (would like to get at least a demo of it out while im alive). its a lot more work than i thought it would be at first. i dont have a name for it yet, but i do have a story written out mostly. i started working on it maybe about a week ago. im getting kind of tired. tomorrow i will make a post with some more about how ive been feeling lately and this situation thats going on.

09/10/22

4:23pm
i hate waking up in the morning. im sick of going to work. m is being mean to me. i feel awful. whats new? life is shit

09/09/22

12:11am
one of my favorite things is staying up all night so i can listen to the new album im waiting to come out at midnight. im listening to the new cigar album which is called the visitor. its pretty amazing. id say my number 2 album of the year so far, barely behind my number one. highly recommend to any readers reading this. its really crazy. super fast. i wish my band could be this cool.
other than that i had a pretty shit day. tried hanging out with m afteri worked but instead she decided to start a fight with me. we didnt resolve it. i cant feel much worse than i already do so i guess it doesnt matter that much. sometimes its really great not living with her because i can just leave and go home and be alone and not have to deal with her.
why dont i just break up with her?? i dont know. i wish it was that easy. its hard to just leave someone who you thought for so long was gonna be your life partner.

09/07/22

11:29pm
i updated my about page with some more up to date information. i do want to add some more things to this website, i just dont know what.
i stayed in my room almost all day today. unfortunately i wont be able to do that tomorrow because i have to work. im miserable.

09/07/22

2:27am
each day i feel a little bit less afraid of suicide. im slowly overcoming my survival instinct. i feel so empty inside. my mind is always racing, and i have butterflies in my stomach. im not sure if ill be able to do it before the end of the year. but it wont be much longer after that.
today i hung out with mandre for a short amount of time. i didnt tell mina again. i dont know why. it just feels like the right thing to do. later i went over to minas house and we had a long talk about songwriting. i think i overshared. i dont know why i feel that way. i just feel unhappy.
on friday and album im excited for comes out.

09/03/22

3:09am
my friend andre came over tonight, we played some nintendo and listened to records. it helped me take my mind off of things. hes a good friend. im not gonna tell m that he came over tonight in case she gets jealous that i asked him to come over and not hang out with her.
i also remembered earlier that i have tickets to riot fest in 2 weeks. so im gonna try my best to hold on until thats over. riot fest is always fun. i try to go every year at least one of the days.
the other day i also finished another song, its about committing suicide. its weird writing songs about it because im worried of how people will thing when they hear it. i showed m but it was hard to tell how she felt about it.
just gonna try and make it through the next 2 weeks.

09/02/22

8:07pm
i fucking hate living

8/31/22

10:15am
i finished the lyrics to a song ive been trying to finish for over a year. it might be good to try and record it before i die. i have a few others too that im almost done with. i just dont have anywhere to record right now since im living with my parents. i wish i had a place to play music without bothering anyone

8/29/22

1:08pm
things are fine. but they arent going to be like this forever. i dread waking up every morning, just waiting for awful things to happen. im unhappy. im suicidal. im fine. im tired. and now im crying and im scared. i hate myself

8/17/22

1:17pm
i work today. it feels like going is a waste of time, i dont think i like this new store as much as the old one. last night m came over and i made dinner for her. it was fun. even though it was fun i still feel sad.

8/16/22

12:52pm
sorry for the lack of updates. im still alive for now. over the last few weeks i moved in with my parents, and started a new job at the guitar center near me (private lessons). i am unhappy with my current situation. im unhappy with my relationship with m. im unhappy with the future. im unhappy about everything and its wearing me down each day. all i want to do is stay in my room and not talk to anyone. i am thinking about trying to find a new therapist. but i dont even know if i want that. i own sodium nitrite now, and i can just kill myself whenever i want pretty much. i dont know what to do with myself. my band isnt doing anything right now because we dont have a drummer, and m doesnt want us to find one. and that was one of the last big things keeping me going (barely). i cant stop thinking about suicide. i wish i wasnt so scared of doing it. i wish i drank or did drugs and maybe then i wouldnt be scared to do it, but i dnt do those things. i feel like such a loser. i feel worthless.
update 25 minutes later - im so pissed with myself that i chose to do fucking music in college. why the fuck did i do that. i have been looking for a job for 8 months. i cant get one because i picked a shit major in college. i hate my life. i wish i could take control of it but i cant. i dont have money. i am ready to give up.

i want to drink my sodium nitrite