journal

11/24/2023

post-thanksgivingm
happy thanksgiving i guess. ive been meaning to post here for a while, but my mind feels like mush a lot when i start to write and i give up. im gonna muddle through this the best i can. i really need to start posting here more often because i am probably going to forget a lot
update on my last post before anything else. things are going okay, im watching a lot less porn than usually, but im not totally off. ive been feeling super sad lately so its been tough. eventually wanna get off it for good, but its a process.
from nov 10-12, my band LB played 3 shows for the first time in almost a year. i havent talked about this band in a while, its just been on kind of a pause. it is also the band im in with mina, my ex. overall the shows went really well and for the most part i had fun. nothing is weird or awkward between mina and i so that is good. eventually we are going to talk about the future of this band and what we want to do with it. we dont really know yet. i kind of want to keep it going, but im still really unsure. i still feel like i have things to say and music to write for it.
right after those shows i went on a date with a super cool girl. we had been texting for a week or so beforehand. and things went really well. but a few days after the date she completely ghosted me, which is kinda wacky. i was super bummed out for a bit but im better. i was super into her and it seemed like she liked me too, but alas. (i cant believe i just said "alas")
other than that i dont really have a lot going on. (i mean i do but i dont know what to say)
ive been having a ton of super low days lately. im not sure why. suicidal thoughts are through the roof. and honestly if i owned a gun i would have been dead by now lol. i just feel lonely. i have friends, i see friends, i talk to people, but i just feel so empty and im not sure why. i think im bored of my life. no plans for another attempt right now though. so were okay.
i dont know what else to say, thats it for today

11/01/2023

11am-12:00pm-ish
today i wanted to write about and addiction i have that i am trying to overcome.(long post)

so i never have used weed, cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol in my life (besides prescriptions and caffeine lol). i always felt like it was good for me to stay away from that kind of stuff to keep myself healthy. punk music like minor threat and other straight edge hardcore band def had a big influence on me in that way. but in general, it was something i never really say myself doing. i always felt like i wanted to live a positive life free from those things, even though i have depression and lots of suicidal thoughts, i know the addition of an addiction like that would just be worse for me.

one if the things i have been struggling with lately that has been difficult for me to admit to myself is an addiction to porn.
i dont remember what age i discovered porn, but i have always enjoyed it and never really had any major problems with it. but it has been something i turn to ocassionally when i am stuck in a big depressive state. it has never been a problem for me though.
but my problems with it started around a year ago and got worse when mina broke up with me in february of this year.
after my attempt i was on medications and they were helping for the most part, but i still had a lot of lingering thoughts and feelings, and i started using porn more often than usual to bury them. since i lived at home with my parents and had my own room, rather than living with mina, it was a really easy thing for me to do. and of course it didnt seem bad at first, but i guess no addiction seems like it could be a bad thing at first.
when mina broke up with me after moving away is when things started to get worse though. i felt so alone, and i turned to porn a lot to combat that and to feel better. i felt like it was better and safer than ruminating on suicidal thoughts or browsing sanctioned suicide(and maybe it is? i dknt know lol). anyways, i dont know if i ever really struggled with an addiction like that so i didnt really think it was a bad thing.(and i am still trying to wrap my head around the thought that it is a very bad thing).

a few months later is when i decided to download a hookup app, grindr. i was on other dating apps too like tinder and hinge but was not having much luck so i decided to get on grindr. i never really talk about my sexuality on here, or to my friends, i think i dont really care about it that much, but i am bisexual. i had never been with a guy before, since i was dating mina, but now that i was single i was getting curious. what really messed up grindr for me was my first interaction with someone. i was talking to a trans girl and we decided to hook up. and it was so fun, easy, and hot! it was my first time ever hooking up with someone and meeting them just to fuck, so it was pretty exciting. we hooked up a few more times afterwards and it was going good, but things died down.
back on grindr i was never able to find someone so easy to meet and hookup with after that. i started getting addicted to that app, and i was wasting a lot of time on it, along with watching porn. i felt like i was sucked into chatting with people in hopes of hooking up, but its a rare occurence that that actually happens. i did ocasionally hook up with guys and other trans girls, but it was not often, and it was never as easy as meeting with that first girl. i dont even think i like hooking up with people like that, it feels so weird, im not really sure why i was into it, but i think it made me feel wanted, after being broken up with.
i was able to recognize this was problematic for me and deleted the app, and struggled with redownloading it a few times, but eventually i met emi and we started going out and i didnt need grindr anymore after getting into a relationship. during the relationship i was still using porn, but less frequently. the relationship with emi lasted about 2 months, and a little while after it ended i decided to get back on grindr.
i was wasting so much time on there at home, i was always distracted by checking my messages, and then i would give up and watch porn. sometimes i just watch porn for hours. i was falling into this cycle again and i wasnt happy about it. i was wasing so much time, when i could have been being productive. i was trying to quit a lot of times, but never really took it seriously and would keep going doing that stuff.

a few days ago i decided to quit watching porn and going on grindr for real for real. i am making this post to hold myself accountable. i was not really realizing how bad it was and how strong my urges were to watch porn until i was serious about quitting this. i am working on distracting myself or just getting up and doing something different when i feel the need to watch porn. i am even making this post now because i wanted to distract myself from my urge to watch porn.
it has only been a few days and i think i have a long journey ahead of me to get clean from this, but i know i am taking steps in the right direction. i will try to keep updated on my status with this, even if i relapse. i know this is something ive never mentioned on here before so it might be surprising to whoever is reading this, but i never wrote about it because i felt a lot of embarassment towards it.
i am going to conquer this and live a more productive and healthier life going forward.

10/24/2023

4:00pm
last night i was playing a game with 2 of my friends online. we were just chatting as usual, the topic of suicide entered briefly. they both said they were glad that i was still here. it made me feel happy and sad, i dont know why i felt sad.
im glad i have friends like them.

10/18/2023

12:05pm
i wish i didnt have to work today. my weekends(mon+tues) go by so fast and i only have time to relax and i never have time to be productive or do things i find enjoyable. the problem with my jobs is that i always have something to prepare for them, i cant just go in and work like a normal job. i have 30+ students that i need to make plans for each week + my audio recording class. its just so much. im always stressed out about it.
i really just want to stay home and enjoy playing my guitar. i want to be able to write some songs. i havent been able to get anywhere with that for so long, i feel like im stuck in writers block, but i think my problem is that i have so much going on that its hard for me to concentrate/put the energy i want to into writing music.
i need a vacation, or maybe a new job. i dont know.

10/03/2023

1 year since my suicide attempt

i spent almost all day on and off writing and thinking about what to say.

hello, today marks one year since my most recent suicide attempt. last year on this day i attempted suicide by consuming sodium nitrite (sn).

i spent a week in the hospital and then 2 weeks in an inpatient program. i started a medication (cymbalta) which i am still taking to this day. eventually i want to stop taking meds, but i guess its helping for now. i was on abilify for a long while too, but stopped taking that this past summer

i guess i mostly wanna reflect on this past year. i feel pretty emotionally empty most of the time. i still think about my suicide attempt almost every day. sometimes i wish i was succesful, other times i am more or less content with the outcome of it. ive gone through periods where i contemplate attempting again and thinking of how i will do it, but it doesnt really get much farther than that. in the back of my mind i still feel like i will make another attempt one day, i feel like ive carved that into my brain so much that it will never go away.

i think my medication is keeping my suicidal thoughts minimal, but also all of my other emotions, thoughts, and feelings are minimal too. it sucks. i wish i had more to say than this, but i havent really had any big catharsis or life changing experiences to talk about. everythings been kinda a drag. some days are good, some days are bad. im still alive and thats just how things are.

i tried to start updating this blog again back in march, but i basically had no free time, betweens my jobs, music stuff, and being depressed. i am going to try to give a general overview of the main things that have happened in my life since then.

march 2023

this was a long time ago, so its hard to remember it all, i think the big thing that happened was i bleached my hair then dyed it green. it looked pretty cool, i need to redye it soon.

april 2023

as im writing this i really wish i kept some sort of journal, things are so hard to remember. but at the same time, i dont think much happened in april. im pretty sure i was just super busy with life shit, and did not have much to write about. plus my feelings at the time were basically non-existant so i was not sad enough or happy enough to have anything to write about. i did get a paid gig recording a band around the end of the month which was kinda cool.

may 2023

another month that is diffifult to remember, probably because not much happened. but i did meet a girl (emi) through a dating app and we started dating around the end of the month i think. it was weird because things progressed really quickly. she was a lot more into me than i was into her, which wasnt a bad thing. i kinda felt like i was in it just for fun and not taking it too seriously. she was very kind and caring, a super sweet person.

june 2023

this was a very rough month for me. on the morning of june 10th, i was at work, but on a break. i got a phone call from mina, which was very unusual since we werent really speaking. but i answered and she was crying on the phone. she told me that her younger sister, amelia, was hit by a drunk driver and killed. i couldnt believe what i was hearing, and even now its hard for me to process it. for my entire relationship with mina i basically 'adopted' all her siblings and made them my siblings too. amelia was one of my best friends and one of the most creative, kindest, and most fun person i had ever known. i loved hanging out with her and mina. we still kept in contact occasionally after the breakup. she was only 18 and had just finished highschool. its so sad.

the funeral was a few days later and i went. i saw mina (and the rest of her family) for the first time in like 6 months. it was sad and kind of uncomfortable considering the circumstances, i didnt talk to her a lot, but i spent most of my time just being with her, just being a friend. we decided to meet up at a coffee shop a few days later. it actually felt pretty normal being with her, despite being broken up, things didnt feel weird or anything. we talked about how things had been going, lots about music, and about our band. we decided to stick as friends. we met one more time before she left, this time with her other younger sister. at the time my girlfriend was pretty uncomfortable with me meeting with her, but that was pretty understandable. mina flew back to new york, but we kept in contact regularly.
at first i was pretty torn about keeping in contact and just beiing friends with her, i think mostly just the whole situation shook me up pretty badly.
in june i also started teaching a few summer camp classes at my local community college, i did a group guitar class, and an intro to percussion class. these were on and off for a few weeks over the whole summer.
at the end of the month me and emi went on a short camping vacation up to wisconsin. we spent a few days just relaxing, hiking, and enjoying eachothers company. it was a good time, im glad i took a short vacation.

july 2023

july was alright i think. i got to play a live show for the first time since last november, which was really fun. with my other band 'emj' it was a lot of fun doing that. i drive down to central il about once a month to practice with them.
mina and i continued talking, mostly about our band. she brought up that she wanted to release the EP and i agreed that i wanted to do it too. i got to work finishing up the mixes and masters for it.
eventually she brought up the thoughts of flying down to play a show. at first i had tons of mixed emotions about this, i was upset, angry, excited, confused. i took time to think about it though, and i decided to try to go forward with it. i really put everything i could into my band 'lb' and its hard to just give it up. honestly i think i was more sad about the band "breaking up" than the relationship breakup lol. i asked our drummer if he was down to play shows and he said he was interested.
so ive also been keeping my teaching job at guitar center this whole time, and getting very sick of it. not the job itself, just working for the company. i started planning to open my own music lessons business. i am still figuring all of this out though, so for now im stuck at guitar center.

august 2023

in august i finished mixing and mastering the EP for 'lb'. we released a single later in the month. it didnt gain much traction/listens online which was a little upsetting, but its alright. we hadnt posted anything on social media in a long time, and hadnt played any shows.
we also started planning out future shows, we decided on 3 days in november. i knew if i told emi that she would probably be upset about me spending time with my ex, even though i no longer felt any romantic attraction to her. eventually i was able to bring it up, and emi broke up with me. i was sad, but mostly okay with it, she had really valid reasons for everything and was nice about it. again, i didnt see much of a future with her, mostly just a close friend to spend lots of time with. im glad i got to spend the time with her that i did.

september 2023

september is super recent, so i remember it. but i was also busy as fuck so there isnt a lot to write about.
this month i started teaching my first college class, im currently teaching a sound recording class at the community college. i was really nervous at first but it has been going good so far.
another new lb song was release, again with little interaction. we also announced the release date for our EP, which is this friday. im pretty excited to finally have it out! we also are getting it pressed on vinyl again.
thats mostly it for september.

im not sure when ill update next. i really want to get some kind of consistent schedule going again. just daily updates can be difficult with how crazy busy i am +depression. (also its not like i can easily make a post from my phone lol) but anyways im still alive for now, and probably will be for a while. if that does change at all, this blog will be the first place it is talked about.

below is a recent selfie of me, and an older photo of me and amelia

3/12/2023

9:38pm
not much has been going on. work has been keeping me really busy lately. probably too busy. i dont have a lot of free time i feel like. im very depressed. my hair is green though, thats kinda cool.

3/10/2023

11:32am
damn, missed a few days of updates. not much has been going on the last few days. just working and trying to chill, and more working. called my internet friend ryan on the phone and he was really nice talking with me about my breakup and stuff. i also bleached my hair. currently dying it green. i really liked how it looked blonde but i think the green will be even cooler. other than that i have nothing else to say. probably wont update later tonight unless im feeling feelings.

3/7/2023

10:52pm
another sad and lonely day for me. bad news about cassie :( she and her ex got back together, unfortunate for me. but im thankful that she told me instead of me developing more feelings for her. ill get over it.
today was my day off work and i didnt do anything. i was so bored. i slept in my bed for a lot of the day and felt sad. i tried writing some music today but just couldnt do it. its so diffucult to be inspired to write rn, or even just play for fun, ive been having lots of trouble doing that too. life sucks dude.

3/7/2023

12:47am
lonliness is hitting hard. i miss the feeling of feeling wanted. i remember when mina wanted me and i want to feel that again. i want be loved. and i want to give the love i have to someone. i dont know what to do. mina used to love me so much. i miss the way she looked at me and i could tell how deeply in love she was with me. i need that again badly. unfortunately i doubt it will happen again. not for a long time.
a long time ago, in high school, cassie used to have a big crush on me, i wish she still did, but im not too sure now. me and her were friends in high school, but havent seen eachother at all for the last few years. we used to flirt so much, it was cute. i think tomorrow im gonna ask her if she wants to get dinner with me this week so we can see eachother again.
i miss blendy the mouse. he loved me so much. im late and its tired and im emotional i need to get to bed. its beenr eally hard to fall asleep lately. even harder to get out of bed in the morning

3/5/2023

9:51pm
not a very eventful day today. just had work. thought about cassie a lot. i need attention and thats bad. i did send a goodbye text to minas family telling them thank you for welcoming me into their family for the last 6 years. im gonna miss them.

3/4/2023

9:09pm
hello world. i am going to try my best to get back on track with this website. trying to revamp is as less of a suicide blog and more of a journal. i still wanna kill myself. i dont know when my next serious attempt will be but probably not anytime soon. so weve got a while.

lets backtrack a little bit: january 2023.
i helped mina(my former girlfriend) move to long island new york. she got the job there and decided to take it. if you have read my previous entries i believe i talked about this a lot and what could come of it.

february 2023 - a bad time
right around valentines day mina broke up with me. she didnt want to do the long distance relationship anymore. i was heartbroken when she told me she wanted to break up. i was very overwhelmed and did not know what to do. (currently i am getting over it) looking back on it i think our relationship was very toxic and she was not the best person she could have been for me at all times.
my pet mouse blendy aka blenderhead also died this month :( i cried so much. hes buried in my backyard now.

march 2023:
yesterday one of my friends said something that has really been sticking with me. it was something along the lines of "all books have chapters that end and new ones that begin" i think its just a chapter in my book for now. and i can finally go on to writing something new. thats also why i feel like i should update my blog. thanks brian for the advice.
how am i doing now?
not awful. im medicated. i feel empty. i dont know whats happening with my band. i like a girl named cassie, who i went on a date with. im getting over my ex. my ex that i dated for 6 fucking years. can you imagine that? 6 years just gone, its crazy to think about. shes in new york. fuck new york i hope it rains a lot there or something. i am trying to look at this in a postive way. maybe now i can find the real right person for me. well see i guess. living the single life for now. well see what cassie thinks about as we keep going. hopefully i can go on another date with her soon.
thats all for today. email me with any questions!