this will be my random thought space and it will be unorganized and difficult to read

12/15 i want to keep updating this site but im so busy and also forgetful. i dont know what to do with it now that i had a failed suicide attempt. i am probably not gonna attempt again for a while just because it was so scary and idk if i can go through that again. when i do attempt again i am going to make sure its successful, but like i said that will not happen for a long time.
i feel pretty empty lately which is another reason why i havent been writing a lot. no feelings to talk about, which is kind sad.
sometimes i think about retiring this blog and making something more "normal". i dont know. this probably should have been a journal entry instead of on my random thoughts page. oh well.

updated and organized journal.

8/3 - journal update coming soon. i just finished moving and ive been super busy and stressed. i am trying to order SN again. i hate thinking about the future when i want to die. i think about writing songs or buying a new guitar amp but then i think why does that matter if i will just die. i didnt want my parents to be the ones to find me, but it wont matter. i want to get things over with, but like i said before, its fucking scary.

why is suicide so scary why cant it be easy. i cant live like this anymore

regular updates will start again soon 6/8

i need to get out of here soon

i hate myself

i felt good yesterday. i don't know why i feel so awful now

i hate being human. the more i think about how i want to kill myself this summer, the more i want to try to enjoy my days, because i wont have many left. but then that makes me want to die less. what the fuck? im stuck in a cycle. of being ready to kill myself, to feeling like i dont want to anymore. i feel so messed up. i hate being alive. i wish i could just have never existed. life is so fucking exhausting. i hate having emotions. i hate feeling tired all the time. i hate having people who care about me. i just want to be alone.

i feel like part of me is missing and ill never get it back. my life is never going to be how i want it to be, no matter what i do. im always unsatisfied. i will never truly be happy

quit my job at the hardware store today
fuck yeah

i ordered some sodium nitrite online tonight. i have been hearing that it might become more difficult to obtain soon so i wanted to buy it while i could and then save it for when the time is right. i think it will feel comforting having that. i am worried m will see that package when it arrives and ask what it is :/. posted: 4/12 2am
EDIT: i woke up this morning to see that my order was refunded for no reason. i guess this stuff is hard to find

why are there so many furries and people who are obsessed with anime on this site?? not a bad thing, just seems to be really common when im browsing on here. if anyone knows tell me. neocities is fun

just updated the journal page with an archive to sort by months. 4/5 at 12:28 am

i keep dreaming about my mouse either getting lost or running away and me never seeing him again. its really stressful in the mornings waking up

enjoying spicy ramen

i like making websites, i kinda want to make a music review website.
also it is hard wanting to do things and plan things out in the future. its stressful to think that they might never happen.

im annoying because i exist
just leave me if you think that i cant take it anymore

yeah m makes me feel like complete shit. im a horrible person. i hate my life. m why do you make me feel so awful?

my mouse is going to miss me when i die

this is gonna be difficult to update when im not on a computer :/

i hate being in a productive mood but then not doing anything. i woke up early but i have to worry about m getting mad if i leave the bed