journal

5/27/22

11:42am
being alive is horrible. i cant take this much longer. i never recieved sodium nitrite when i ordered it. i dont want to wait for it in the mail. i dont know if i should hang myself or get run over by a train. im scared of both options and im worried i would stop myself. i dont want to be alive anymore. i fucking hate myself

5/21/22

12:56am
i dont really have a lot to say today. i dont feel very good. i dont know whats wrong.

5/18/22

10:04pm
my band sold out of our records today. we pressed 100 of them in total. yesterday i posted online that we were finally shipping them and we had a crazy amount of orders, and it just didnt stop. i feel really really good. i didnt think this would happen so soon. it seems like theres a lot of people who really like it. im not sure if we should repress it, or just keep the 100 limited edition.
i havent felt this good in a while. maybe not since the album actually got released back in november. music is all i care about anymore.
i dont want to be like egocentric or anything but, i feel like the songs i write (at least the ones i decide to finish and release) are pretty good. and i wish we had a way to get the word out about us easier, because i think a lot of people would enjoy it.
maybe i have another album in me before i leave the world. im not sure, well see what happens

5/11/22

1:04am
i probably wont update much for the next few days. i will be busy and also very stressed. this weekend mine and m's family is coming over for the graduation commencement ceremony for our college. i gradudated in december, but there was no ceremony then. ill mostly be busy with that. also my band got the sleeves for our records in and ive gotta pack and ship all the preorders. its just gonna be kinda busy. the good thing about being busy is sometimes i forgot how much i want to die. everything is just a distraction.

5/8/22

12:20pm
yesterday i quit my job at the hardware store. i feel so relieved that i dont need to go there anymore. im a little worried about money, but i dont know if i care that much. i do feel quite a bit happier now that i have quit it. other than that i dnt have much to say about the last few days. maybe ill post another update tonight.

5/6/22

12:51am
made it through another day. right now im sorting out all of my bands t shirts. we made a new design and im counting and sorting everything to be put online for bandcamp friday which starts in about an hour. not sure if we will sell anything but even if its just 1 shirt it will be worth it. and of course im doing this all by myself. it sucks, but im the one who wants these designs and im the one who wants this shirt online. m never helps me with this stuff. although she did make the shirt design which is nice.
today work wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. i do like teaching people music. i feel like im doing a good thing. i also got a 13 cent raise. what the heck? what am i going to do with that??? thats probably like an extra 3 bucks a paycheck? feel kinda insulted that they even gave that useless raise to me. whatever.
i feel kinda empty today so i dont have a lot of feelings to talk about. i was thinking about adding a photos page to this site. im not sure though. just to put up some memories that made me feel good. it might be a little more interesting for people to look through when im gone rather than just reading these posts.
im curious what people think about me when they read this site. my email is on the home page if anyone wants to psychoanalyze me.

5/5/22

1:26am
feeling sad tonight. i had an average day. which isnt good, but also isnt completely horrible. i am stressed about a lot of things. i think a few weeks ago i said i was planning a tour for my band. i dont really want to do that anymore. but i feel like its too late to stop, because some shows are already booked. i might just kill myself before that happens though. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i also have to finish mixing/mastering some recordings i did for a band a while back. i feel bad that i never work on them. m just gets mad if she sees me doing that kind of stuff, and i dont have a lot of time to myself. i dont like living. i just want to disappear. i ordered sodium nitrite online again, i hope my order doesnt get canceled this time. i feel like im ready to end it this month. im not really prepared for this but i dont want to keep dragging my life out any longer than it needs to be. its scary to think about dying, im not sure if ill be able to get over that, i think ill just have to deal with it. im curious how it will feel though. i dont like to think about what happens after i die, but its hard not to wonder a little bit. i hope its just nothingness, and i really just dont exist at all anymore. im not spiritual or religious or anything, but its a little hard to think that theres just nothing. but i dont know.
i dont have anything left to give the world, and ive done most of the things ive wanted to do. all the songs i wanted to make are released. i have other new ones that probably wont ever be finished/recorded, but they arent as important as all the ones that have been released.
i have work at guitar center tomorrow. i usually like teaching there, but i just dont want to go tomorrow. its not as fun as it used to be.
lately things have been good with m. we watched another movie together tonight. i know she knows something is off with me, no matter how much i try to hide how im feeling. she asked me what was wrong today and i told her i didnt want to talk about how i was feeling. she seemed upset, but i wonder if she knows im having suicidal thoughts. sometimes its hard to read her. i just dont want her to worry about me. i dont want her to try and help me either, because i know that nothing she could say would change how i feel, which also makes me sad to think about. goodnight

5/4/22

2:41am
another bad day, although not as bad as yesterday. i woke up and didnt go into work, i didnt even call them today. i might just pick up my paycheck on friday and not go back. im not sure yet. :/ its really stressful. i hate working. during the day i mostly sat in bed and played minecraft, i did practice the drums too. that helped me feel a bit better. i felt kind of motivated to do something but i didnt know what, then eventually that feeling faded and i went back to not doing anything.
nothing eventful happened until the evening. i took blendy the mouse out of his house to play with him. i noticed that one of his testicles was bigger than the other, which seemed unusual. i went to ask mina if she thought it looked weird, and she saw that parts of his balls were turning a darker color. it looked really unnatural and i got really upset and started crying. i just thought he was going to die. i dont really cry a lot anymore. he is acting fine and seemed happy, and i touched his balls and they didnt seem to bother him. i really hope hes okay. im gonna keep watch on him, but he is acting normal. i hope he doesnt die because he makes me really happy, even though hes just a small mouse hes just so good. :( after that mina and i watched a movie to calm down because we were both really sad. im gonna post a photo of him here later.

5/3/22

1:26am
i had a pretty bad day today. i ended up not even goning into work. im not going in tomorrow either. i might just not go back, i dont know yet. other than that i just felt like dying all day. and its so exhausing feeling like you dont want to be alive anymore while actually being alive. its awful. i hate myself. i hate my life. i did nothing all day.

5/1/22

9:33pm
no update in a few days. the last few days were okay, except today. so i didnt end up seeing kleenex girl wonder. he got covid and dropped from the show. so now maybe i never will see him play live in my life. (i realized i didnt say it was a kgw show in my last post, but it is.) that was a little sad but its okay. on friday night my band played a house show. it was a fun one, it was really packed, and people moshed and danced to us the entire time, which was impressive considering how hot and sweaty it was inside. my band had a new shirt design too and we sold a bunch of those which is always nice. unfortunately, we are going to be parting ways with our drummer soon, its kind of a long story, but basically he doesnt want to put in the time anymore, and doesnt want to keep playing shows. its sad but whatever. i dont even know how much longer my band is going to last. sometimes i get so sick of doing nearly everything myself, setting up practice, getting everyone to the show on time, managing the social medias, folding our shirts, making sure we have merch, packing the orders, and all the songwriting stuff ontop of that. its exhausting. its worth it sometimes but i dnt know.
we are trying to plan out a small tour in july(with a different drummer[who we are practicing with soon]), i used to really want to do it, but of course im doing all the work getting the shows together, and i dont even know if i want to do it anymore, i really just want to kill myself.
i went into work today (hardware store) and i nearly quit. i hate being there so much. im either just going to not go in at all the rest of the week, or go in and ask for a pay increase to 15/hr. and if i dont get it i would quit on the spot. im not sure which one to do though.
i have saved enough money that i should be able to make it through a few months just working at guitar center teaching. i dont know though. i dont really want to spend my last few months alive (considering i kill myself in july) working at the hardware store. i dont even know if 15/hr is worth my time to suffer there for 3 days a week, almost all day each day. being alive is agonizing.
but hey on the bright-side, i havnt had any relationship problems recently. hopefully that keeps up. usually there is a cycle of a few good weeks, then a few bad weeks, ive noticed. well i dont have much else to say. ill update tomorrow on my work situation. i think im leaning towards just not going in.