journal

3/31/22

*posted on 4/1 at 9am feeling: mixed up

slept in most of the morning. played kirby. called my therapist. told him i wanted to kill myself. i have to lie about it a little so i dont get sent to the hospital. practiced the drum set. went to work. my student didnt show up. after work i didnt do much. it was an uneventful day. i have an interview with sweetwater next week. i dont really want to move to fortwayne but ill see how the interview goes. i felt sad most of the day but also not? i dont know. i dont think today will be much different than yesterday so i might not update.

3/30/22

feeling: ok
listening to: smoking popes

not a bad day today. i mostly played the new kirby game on the switch. its a really fun one. m and i got pizza today too cause we had a coupon and that went well. took a long nap in the afternoon. i dont know why but im constantly tired. i guess its depression or something.
in the evening m asked me about sex. i havent been feeling like having sex or doing anything sexual at all. i feel to depressed to. but i feel like its kind of a good thing. recently having sex was so stressful for me. now i dont have to even think about it (except when she brings it up). its just easier to not do it than to do it.
im supposed to call my therapist tomorrow.
i want to game with friends but they dont respond sometimes. thats okay because they are busy people.

3/29/22

im not dead. i just havent had alone time to write.
i think it was the 23rd. i almost killed myself. i dont remember why but m and i got in a fight. i know she hates me. she told me to go to hell. i left the house and walked to the train tracks. i sat on the grass near them and waited. i watched the train go past twice. i was terrified. i wish i could have just done it. i wanted to throw myself in and end it. i was just too scared. i went back home after that. i think hanging myself might be a less scary option next time.
other than that things havent been awful, surprisingly, besides some fights. but i have been chatting with friends more through texting and stuff. i guess theres a lot that happeed but also nothing was really important besides that experience. im going to keep trying to update everyday. i might have more time now that m has a new job and will be sleeping early. thats all for now. i want to make this site look nicer. i dont know.

3/15/22

its hard to blog rn because m is on spring break so i dont really have alone time. i added an update at the end of my last blog post bcause i didnt finish it.
i called off work today and yesterday and it felt good.

3/13/22

i want to format these thing better because maybe its hard to read when i come back and look at these. i might do that tomorrow but not today. i am listenig to the new superchunk album right now. its really been growing on me. im not sure what it is about it, but i just like the songs. im a broken record im a year round bummer. relatable i guess.
last night was bad then good. im still not happy with how m treats me. i wish i wasnt so fucking tired all day. i went to work and it sucked. im going to call off tomorrow, and maybe tuesday. m actually did something super nice and got me lunch while i was on my break. it made me happy. after work i laid in bed with her and then made a smoothie. someone griefed my old minecraft server.

future edit (3/15): i couldnt finish typing out my blog cause m asked me why i was typing so much. i dont want her to know about this site so i had to stop

3/12/22

i didnt get a chance to update yesterday but it wasnt that bad of a day. it was a normal morning and then i went to work for a few hours. after i got home m and i had planned to go to dinner at chinese food place. before we left we ended up having sex for the first time in a longtime. i dont know how i felt about it. it was really stressful and i kind of wanted to stop but also it felt really good and i was turned on. afterwards we went out to eat and the place we went to tasted really good. after eating i finally was able to play video games with my friend rj. we played the forest and it was a lot of fun. i didnt know how much i missed that game but its just such a fun game with friends. after tht i went to bed. today was going decently. we had a show planned for tonight at our house and i was possibly going to play sdv with fm after i worked. i ended up not having time to because the people playing the show ended up getting to our house early. it was fun seeing some friends i havent seen for a while though. the show was okay, not a ton of people showed up to watch but other than that it wasnt bad. my friends' band was pretty cool. after the show i wanted to talk to my friend vm. i have known her for 4ish years because i joined her band on drum when i started college and i played for about 2 year. the band was called 'gj'. mina used to like it but now she hates it and she also hates vm for no reason. its really stressful and annoying and i dont know why she hates things so much. she has so many issues with jealousy. i dont think its ever going to change. anyways the singer for gj moved out of our town a few years ago to a place like two hours away or something. soon hes moving across the country and before he left he wanted to do a gj live video session. i wanted to do it but also im so depressed and so busy. also if i did m would throw a fit and hate me again. i feel bad for letting them down. i think m is mad at me for talking to vm. its so upsetting. im not feeling good anymore. i guess we will see how the rest of the night goes :\

03/10/22 part 2

a second update for today since it is now the evening. i was having a meltdown earlier. after i made my post i reluctantly texted m. i felt so hopelss but i didnt know what to do. i dont like telling her when i feel like this but i have no one else to talk to. sometimes shes really bad at dealing with me but today she wasnt. she came home and talked to me, but she just doesnt fully understand how i feel. i went to work (teaching drums today) it was alright and really exhausting. after work i went home and hung out with m. we talked and decided to go on a drive and get some food. it was actually nice and relaxing driving at night in the snow and listening to twee pop. if only it was always like that. im glad she didnt start an argument or anything. i always have to worry about that. i want to play in a twee pop band. it would be fun i think. today i texted rj and fm to see if either of them wanted to play games tonight/tomorrow. if anyone is curious rj lives in the united states but not in the same state as me anymore.(theres a little more about him on my about page) fm lives in nz so the time zone difference between us is weird. right now shes visiting the uk, and the time zone is still weird. i met her online when i was in high school and shes a really nice friend.
i still dont feel great tonight and i still feel pretty hopeless. im not expecting much to change tomorrow but well see. i dont have a lot to do right now. i wish i didnt have so many thoughts to think. see you tomorrow.

03/10/22

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF STAYING ALIVE. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW. WHY DONT I JUST DO IT. I DO THE SAME FUCKING THING EVERY WEEK AND SUFFER. M JUST CANT STOP BRINGING UP IF I LIKE HER OR NOT WHICH JUST MAKES ME FEEL WORSE. I HATE BEING ALIVE AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT DYING. I REALLY JUST WANT TO DISSAPEAR RIGHT NOW. NOTHING MATTERS TO ME ANYMORE. I HATE LIFE I HATE MYSELF.

03/09/22

i am finally getting this site up and running. its really ugly looking but i just need somewhere to put my thoughts for now. ill try and make it look nice later. coding is ugly.

this morning i wasnt feeling bad, i woke up early and started doing things that i wanted to do. i was cleaning blendys house and 'mm' was asking me how i felt about her. it makes me feel so awful because she never even believes how i feel. honestly its just so frustrating i dont even want to write it down now. it makes me so sad. after that she went out and i was alone. so i decided to finish this website.

i have a lot on my mind now and a lot of things im worried about. right now i cant stop thinking about killing myself as usual. i want to hurt myself but there just isnt a point to doing that. i feel really lonely right now. i was supposed to go to the post office but i didnt. i wish one of my friends wanted to talk to me. i wish 'rj' or 'fm' would just message me and ask to play video games. i tried to play the dlc of crosscode last night but just playing that and trying to focus on a game was too much work and it really made me sad. i got the even worse by weird al record in the mail today. its really crackly but otherwise plays through. im home alone right now. i could really just end it right now. theres things i want to live to see but each day they matter less and less to me. i hate myself. i want to listen to music but the internet is slow and its really annoying. i dont know what im going to do for the rest of the night. today is my day off but i just wasted it. yesterday i felt alright but today i feel "even worse" hahaha..