journal

6/28/22

6:49pm
so my band's tour is finally completely booked. it was really stressing me out for a while and i am actually pretty excited now. the other band also seems to have found a bass played, after some issues and drama, and im glad m or i wont need to fill in for them. i hope we sound good live. our drummer is a fill in so we havent been playing with him for a super long time, but i think it will be good.

6/27/22

10:26pm
my band goes on tour in less than 2 weeks. we decided to go out with another band. but so far they have only been causing us problems and not holding up on the shows that they were supposed to book. its so annoying and stressful. i wish i had more money. i dont have enough for rent this month. everything is stressful. fuckkkkkkk

6/26/22

10:34pm
i am an object. i have no feelings of my own and when i do i must ignore them. i am not a person and i do not matter. i am empty and worthless. i feel all these things and i just wish i mattered.

6/22/22

11:13pm
i just feel so busy. everthing is moving so fast and i want it to slow down. at the same time i feel like im so unproductive and i dont do anything at all. things are crazy. im really stressed.
i have things to say but i think most of them are not important. i dont have any money.

6/21/22

10:01am
i feel constantly busy and like there is always something i have to do. plus i dont have a lot of time to myself, so i cant update this site as much as i would like to.
i added a new button on my site which was made by my friend untitledblog i added them to two pages on this website.
lately things arent too bad. i feel like theres so many things happening right now that i dont really have a choice to keep moving forward or not. ive talked about these before, but my band is going on tour in about 2 weeks, m and i are moving out of our house at the end of july, im quittng my job at guitar center and being transfered to a different store in august. im moving back in with my parents until i can find a full time job. or have enough money to support myself i guess.
listing these things out makes me sad for some reason.

6/13/22

2:25am
nothing eventful happened that i feel like writing about, just wanted to check in. im worried about my pet mouse though. i dont know how much longer he will be alive. i might have said this before but he has a tumor, the vet said that if it keeps getting worse well have to put him down so he isnt in pain. :(

6/12/22

3:25am
sorry for the lack of updates. things have been busy and i just havent had the time or energy to post. this one might be a longer one, im going to try and recap everything that happened.
starting with a i guess a breakdown i had. it was 5/27, later in the afternoon when i posted that day. i mina and i got in a fight, i dont exactly remember over what, but it pushed me over the edge and i was yelling and hitting things. i regret acting like that a lot and im really ashamed of it. i was just so upset and i felt so out of control of my feelings. i was yelling about how much i wanted to die, and how i was going through everything alone, and how i couldnt tell her or else she would hate me. i had to work after that, so it was a good reason to leave. i thought it would help me relax too. and i had a plan to go to the train station afterwards and wait to get run over, but i was only going to do it after work, if i still felt bad. i thought working would help me think rationally, and it did because i still wanted to die. after i worked i drove to the train station and waited. unfortunatly, i dont live in the city, or near a big city, so the train doesnt come like every 10 minutes (like im used to by my parents house) i checked the train schedule and it wasnt coming anymore that day. i was upset and i just went home. mina and i didnt talk for a while, but eventually we got things settled, and i asked her how she felt and we talked.
part 2 - so an additional reason i was stressed is because there was a family vacation planned. me, my parents, my sister, my uncle, and mina. i dont know why but i was kind of dreading it. i havent been on a family vaction in years, and this was a 10 day trip. i never mentioned it on here before because i just didnt want to think about it. but i knew that sooner or later the trip was going to happen. we took a plan out to the state we were visiting on may 31.
overall the vacation was good. i was getting sick of being around my family for most of it though because they can get very very annoying, controlling, nosey, and that kind of stuff. i wouldnt have had a good time if mina wasnt there. we had a good and mostly stress free time. we got home a few days ago.
so now. what is my plan? well i dont know. the vacation was a bit refreshing, so i feel like i can try going for a little longer. my band has a tour "mostly" planned out for july. im stressed but also i think it will be fun, so im gonna live to do that. a few weeks after that i move out of my house in my college town, back to my parents house. not sure what im going to do next. i have to quit my teaching job, but im going to see if i can transfer to a different guitar center to teach, or try and do it on my own.
i still have this constant and lingering urge to be dead. well see what happens next. im sure i wont feel mostly fine for much longer.
regular updates will start again