journal

7/25/22

11:30pm
im surprised how far ive made it. i should be dead by now. its sad seeing how long this website has been active. i dont know
getting ready to move this week. packing and packing. living with my parents is going to fucking suck. but it will be nice to have alone time. as much as i want to die, i am going to try my hardest to keep an open mind over the next few weeks/months.
i wonder if m will break up with me after we move out.
i cant wait to not pay rent.
so i havent posted about this before( I dont think ) , but i also run a house venue. since we are moving out we wanted to throw a final show. it was a mini festival with 9 bands that i set up. everything was going okay (even though it was extremely stressful) but on the 7th band someone fell and got cut on a broken bottle. we shut down the show after that.
my band didnt get to play, we were going to play last. i am really sad about that. its sad things didnt go how they planned. it sad that my house venue ended how it did. we were a big part of the music community in this town. it is kind of sad to move out and not do that kind of thing anymore. i am glad for the time that we were active we made many people happy and we had a safe space for all people to go to and enjoy music. our house venue was pretty different than the others in town because we just put on shows and not parties, if that makes sense. it was always throwing shows there. not sure if its something ill ever be able to do again, but it was a good part of my life.
im scared of the future between me and m. i think she is going to start a lot of problems when we dont live together. im also worried of potentially moving in together again after i have money. i have told her that thats what i want to do, even though im not 100 percent sure of it. i just know if i said i wasnt sure shed be super pissed. its just so hard to deal with how she treats me someetimes. even if i forget about the big things. theres so so so many small things that just make me upset.
if she broke up with me it would be easier for me to kill myself i think.

7/23/22

12:48am
i have a busy week ahead, i probably wont update much. thing are very stressful. one day ill post a longer update about how i feel.

7/18/22

12:56pm
the tour is finally over. i slept in my own bed last night. still have one more show booked this saturday, but i have some time to rest. overall everything went well and most of the shows were good.
now that that distraction has ended i want to die.
im exhausted

7/14/22

1:03am
i have mostly recovered from the other day. i am still very bothered by everything that happened but im just trying not to think about it. fuck i hate myself.
anyways the tour is still going good i guess. last nights show was a fun one. one of the bands we played with was incredible! they were very friendly too! tonights show was pretty much an empty room lol but thats just how it goes sometimes. only 4 days left i think. hope nothing else bad happens. yesterday was the day the other band joined us. honestly its a little less fun with them. i kind of miss our old drummer. life is sad, at least i get to play songs.

7/11/22

7:48pm
having a horrible time. i cried harder than i can ever remember crying. i really need to die soon. i cant take anymore of this. im not myself anymore. i dont matter to anyone. i dont know if i can finish this tour. i want to go home. suicide will be great.

7/11/22

12:07 am
happy 7/11 my favorite holiday. make sure to get a free slurpee from 7 eleven today.
couldnt update neocities yesterday i think it was down so here are days 2 and 3 of tour.
day 2 - only about two hours of driving to the next city. did some fun things there, ate some ramen for dinner. the show was super fun. it was a 5 band bill, which usually isnt great because then the show is many hours long but the bands were good. the guy who helped me set it up was very nice, i had met him because i helped him set up a show a few months ago because i liked his band. he was super great and super helpful. we made a fairly large amount of money too, which is really helpful for gas! also had a friend film our whole set, and im excited to see it eventually. overall day 2 was very very good.

day 3- we drove about 3 hours to the next city. we to a state park for a little bit, then went to the show. we played with a band that plays a very similar style to us, which is very rare because the music we play is very unpopular. someone drove 2 hours to see us and bought some stuff and had us sign his record and cd!! it was really cool haha! i played a little sloppy tonight but it was okay. i think my voice is giving out. im yelling too much. unfortuately, the donation box was either stolen or misplaced so we did not make money tonight, other than selling merchandise. even though that happened it was a fun show. tomorrow we are taking a day off to go to an amusement park. i like playing music

7/9/22

1:54 am
day 1 of tour. it went well. for some reason when i perform i am so exhausted during it. im not sure why. it was fun playing again though. our fill in drummer is nice but kinda weird. i dont like to stay up late or party but thats kinda what happened tonight. i wish people did less drugs. we are doing good on merchandise selling so far. i think people enjoyed our music, but the crowd here was just a little odd. im not sure why. playing out of town will always be different. i dont know if i am built to be a touring musician. i hope i can make it through the rest of the week. i cant believe this is actually happening. gonna try and write about each day in this blog. this is a strange town we are in. i think tomorrows show will be a good one.

7/5/22

10:45pm
too much. too much is happening right now. im doing too much. after waking up i feel exhausted. i play guitar for a little bit and im just exhausted. i have no money, i have to sell some of my records. i want to die. i want to kill myself after my bands tour. i think ill make it through. im worried it wont be fun anymore after a few days. im going to be so tired. the first day is this friday. i can smile at people but i feel like its a disguise. i need to orgainze this journal page. i dont feel good tonight. i want to get shot. i want someone to shoot me. i wish i wasnt so materialistic. im going to miss my records. my instruments, i like my drumset but i dont have it anymore when im dead.

7/1/22

11:44
what do i do what do i do what do i do what do i do.
its been a day. not a good one. i am upset by a few things. i dont want to get into it.