journal

4/27/22

12:25am
i had a pretty boring day today. working at the hardware store is awful. the day takes forever to go by. but something good did happen! one of my favorite bands announced a show in chicago!! they are kinda obscure and dont really do shows much so i honestly thought id never see them in my life. but this saturday im got tickets to see them!! crazy! very excited for that show!

4/24/22

9:43pm
sorry for the lack of post the last few days.
my birthday was good. m was nice to me, and we went out to eat. also she got me a 7inch record from a band i really like, which is cool. the next day was alright. she seemed like she was done being exceptionally nice to me and went back to normal. it was record store day and i did get the superchunk record i wanted though. i also had a new student yesterday. and this time it was a bass student. i usually teach drums, but the bass teacher left so they needed someone to teach bass. m is very unsupportive of me teaching bass. incase you dont know she plays bass. i think she is just really jealous though, i wish she wasnt. it upsets me how unsupportive she can be of the music things i want to do. today wasnt a bad day, although i did have work which sucked.
im going to talk about my feelings now instead of things that happened.
1. m and i dont really have sex, and we havent for a while. and honestly i like that a lot. she made it so stressful, now i dont even think about it anymore and i feel so much less stressed than i used to. she might have ruined having sex for me, and i dont really know if ill ever enjoy it again, but i dont care anymore.
2. i said i got a new drumset the other day, and it is more of a practice set. it is small and i have low volume cymbals and heads on it. anyways im having a lot of fun playing it, and im playing more than i have in so long. and it feels good to be back practicing the drums regularly. i think its helping me manage my depression. its just really convenient to play now.
i still want to kill myself. i want to do it before the summer ends hopefully. i dont know how things will go down. its just something i still constantly think about and i know that it is whats best for me.
my band has a show this weekend which is kind of exciting. i have a lot of weird feelings about my band right now. i dont want to explain them.
i dont know what else i have to say. i feel uneasy. im gonna shower ands sleep soon. i have work in the morning.

4/22/22

2:03am
had a shitty day the last few days, mostly due to m, so i didnt post. just stupid fights. today is my birthday. i dont want to celebrate and i just want it to be a normal day. i just hope m doesnt start another fight with me. i dont have a lot to say. i mostly feel empty. although, i did get my new drum set that i ordered yesterday and it is fun to play. im kinda tired right now. i dont know what else to say here. :( ill update more tomorrow

4/19/22

12:25am
i had a pretty uneventful day today. i worked all morning. after work i went to guitar center to but a drumset i have been saving for. the discount for working there is very helpful. im feeling sad today. last night i had many dream about killing myself or trying to kill myself. it was scary but i also wish i didnt wake up from them in the morning. i am trying to figure out where i can buy sodium nitrite online. life is so stressful. my thoughts are moving so fast and my brain feels like mush. im tired but i cant sleep. i dont have anything else worth saying today.

4/18/22

12:14am
im back. no update for a few days just cause i was pretty busy. i didnt update friday because i think i was really tired and fell asleep at like 9pm or something?? this weekend m wanted to go back to visit her family for easter and i went with. we left on saturday evening after i had work. when we got to her house we played minecraft with her 3 siblings who i like to hang out with a lot. then we watched some horror movies with one of her siblings because the other two went to bed. i slept over and the next day it was easter and we saw a lot of people from her family. there were a loooot. it was very stressful and there was so much going on. we left in the evening. we got back home tonight and i got something in the mail i was waiting for for soooo long. my band's vinyl records! we released an album last november and have been waiting for the vinyl records to come in for sooo long. glad to finally get them and start shipping them out soon. they are sooo fucking cool. im really happy about that. this was one of my life goals and it is one of the things i wanted to wait for before i commit suicide. im glad they finally got here, it was a long wait but its worth it.
some thoughts
m's sister 'a', went to the mental hospital a few weeks ago and is currently under surveillance by her family and cant be left alone. i dont know the full story or what shes dealing with but i am worried about her. one the drive back tonight i asked m if she knew anything else about it, and she was getting pretty mad and jealous over it. it was really weird. like saying she thinks her sister is only doing things for attention, or saying that when she was in high school going through things no one cared about her. and she was mad at her sister and really comparing hersef in a weird way to her. it didnt make me feel good. this is one of the reason why i dont like to tell m what im going through. she gets mad at me and she probably thinks im doing it for attention. she likes to make things into competitions too, which i dont like, because everyone goes through their own problems differently. its just sad i think. thats it for tonight. im working in the morning tomorrow and not excited. also im going to buy a new drumset this week and im excited for it. gn

4/14/22

11:35pm
an average day. one of my drum students got covid and canceled their lesson so i couldnt go into work. its pretty annoying that i cant do that because i need the money right now :/. oh well i guess i had the day off. play chrono trigger, im close to finishing. might play chrono cross next since it was just rereleased. enjoying the new aws album still. i need to message my friend that likes this band and see what he thinks of it.
i dont need one, but i want to buy another drum set. i started working on a new song today. ive got some good lyrics going so far.
im not feeling too bad today. m was nice to me today. thats all for today. gn

4/14/22

12:56 am
the new a wilhelm scream album is finally out. ive been waiting for this since partycrasher. i still remember listening to that album for the first time back in high school on the bus to school the morning it came out. that was a few years after i started getting into punk music. and wow its been like 9 years since then?? im really enjoying this album so far after my two listens this evening so far. it is definitely the odd one out of all their album so far. a very different sound, yet still familiar. im still getting used to it. but i like it a lot. album of the year for sure. theres just a lot to take in on this one. if anyone is reading this i highly recommend checking it out. im so glad this is finally out. i should recieve the vinyl record for it in the mail in a few days.
i should be okay for the next few days now that this album is out.

4/12/22

a chill day today. chrono trigger is fun. got in a little fight with m but things are ok now. my mouse is good. i need to find somewhere to order sn. see ya tomorrow

4/11/22

another day alive. i took off work today. just tried to relax. im not going to work tomorrow either. i dont have a lot to say.

4/09/22

i dont feel like updating but whatever. i had an alright day today. nothing bad really happened. i did some productive things. but i feel weird?
i wish i had a bad day. i hate the feeling of bouncing between wanting kill myself soon to thinking i might live through the month. i want to die. i dont like feeling hopeful that things can be good. i know they cant. almost every day is awful. i dont like feeling good. is that wrong? i dont know if this is making sense.
what im trying to say is i dont really like having good days because it makes me feel like i dont want to die. does this mean i like feeling suicidal? no. i wish i wasnt suicidal. but i dont want to go through the crash of having a few good days only for life to creep back up and show me how much i hate it again. i still dont think this makes sense to anyone else besides myself.

4/08/22

i played kirby almost all day and 100%'ed it. so now its over and i need a new game to play. i have some that i still need to finish though. i didnt do much today other than that. i couldnt go into work because my student canceled the lesson today so i had no lessons to teach. thought about killing myself a lot. been doing some research on SN and i think thats how im gonna go. i might order it from online soon. not sure exactly when ill take it. being alive is exhausting. i feel so numb to everything and things matter less and less each day.

4/07/22

feeling: nothing
listening to: spoonboy

nothing really happened today. i dont really feel like writing anything. im just sick of everything. thinking a lot about dying. i want to die this month.

4/06/22

feeling: tired
listening to: superchunk

semi-eventful day today. i woke up early because i had a job interview with a large online music store. the position is a sales engineer. if i got the job i would have to move to indiana. i dont really want to live in indiana (or at all lol) and i dont really want to be a sales person. if it was chicago it would be better. after that i played kirby i think. i beat the game but i still want to 100% it. listened to some records. i actually played guitar today for the first time in a month. i tried to write some music but couldnt come up with anything. my band had our first practice in about a month too. were playing a show at the end of this month. we talked a little bit about the future, and setting up a possible tour in july. i want to do that, if i can last until then. i feel like things can be unpredictable and anything can change. that makes no sense. anyways i want to kill myself. i think ill do it before the end of july. id rather do it when im not living with my parents. i wouldnt want them to find me.
mina asks me a lot if i am going to leave her. i think she is the one that will leave me and i think she is projecting. ive already come to terms with it, and i know she doesnt love me anymore. i just have to act like she does or things will be really difficult. its really sad to think about. i guess it doesnt matter in the whole scheme of things. i dont know what im going to do with my life. i just feel so empty all day and i hate pretending things are ok.
tonight i chatted with one of my friends "i.m." hes good and i like talking to him. hes a little weird but i understand him. we used to talk regularly, but stopped for some reason. he plays piano and is very talented, but does different types of music than me. i want to visit him in person before i go. only hung out in person once and it was fun, we went to a cube comp and played music together back in 2020(?). i cant remember years. he lives in a state over.
i like talking to my friends. well, i think i mostly like to hear people talk and for me to listen. sometimes its hard for me to converse. my mind is always racing, and i think a lot ofthings i want to say dont matter.
i kind of have fun writing these journal blog things even though they are really depressing.

4/05/22

feeling: fine but also bad
listening to: the weakerthans

another very average day. very uneventful. i worked(hardware store). im glad i am off tomorrow. i called off of this job for next week too cause i need a break. tomorrow im probably just going to sleep a lot. maybe listen to some records. i get paid friday and i hope i have enough money to buy the snare drum ive been wanting. i hate money and i hate working.
after work m and i got dinner together. it was nice. she was nice to me today which was good, i can tell shes working on it. sometimes shes really negative about music and things i like still, which is stressful and bothers me. not going to lie, i like that she works a morning job so i can have the evening to myself. i dont do a lot, but i like being alone. i wish one of my friends would game with me. its okay that they dont. i need to start using the free evening time to finish mixing the emj ep i was working on. i cant do it when m is around or shell be upset. im not sure if i wrote about this situation or not yet. its a long story.
its only 9pm rn and i might make another post later. bye for now

10:42 update
listened to bats. that band is so good. im glad i got to play a show with them, otherwise i would have never learned about them. i was on their bandcamp and listened to her first ep too. its really good. i decided to listen to my old music. its bad. i wish i recorded it better. now listening to kgw. i gotta get back into writing songs. ive been slacking. music is the only thing that keeps me going. i dont care if m breaks up with me and the band ends. i can keep writing for now. no need to be heartless

12:14 update
i hate feeling inspired and creative, but unable to do anything. i want to create but its difficult and i just cant think ofwhat to say. im sad again.

4/04/22

today was very similar to yesterday. i went to work and went home. nothing much happened. tomorrow will probably be the same. m went to bed early and it is nice having the evening to myself. i still need to take a shower before i sleep tonight. i also kind of want to take my mouse out again.
i was chatting with someone who saw my blog and wanted to talk to me. it is very interesting talking to someone who might feel similar to me. i havent ever really talked to someone who is suicidal about suicide. its weird. i dont know what to say. i think i have had friends who have felt suicidal, but we have never gotten super deep into talking about that kinda thing. i do have one friend, 'fm' who i think ive mentioned here before that i am a little worried about sometimes. i know shes going through it but she never seems to want to talk about it though. i think she has a good support system though, a good bf and cats. m has told me she wanted to kill herself before too. i dont know how often she feels that way. she does struggle with self harm though, but i feel like those two things are separate.
being suicidal isnt fun.
anyways, i made this blog mostly to just be observed be people on the internet. because for some reason i enjoy reading people personal blogs on here (im weird???). but if you do want to chat feel free to comment on my guestbook which is linked on the home page. i can also put up my email if anyone would rather email me, but im not sure.
i was thinking about the future a lot while i had nothing to do at work. it seems very unappealing. thats all for today.

4/03/22

feeling: neutral
listening to: nothing right now

lets start todays entry off with what happened last night. after m got home things were fine. until the time she decided to go to bed. she got very angry i wasnt going to sleep at the same time as her. its so stressful when she does things like that. i had a horrible night because she makes me feel so guilty.
anyways today. i woke up and went to work. after work i slept. made food. played more kirby. now im up just browsing the internet.
i dont know if i like or dislike uneventful days like this. nothing awful happened, but nothing really happened at all. just another wasted day.

4/02/22

feeling: bad
listening to: tullycraft

i am gonna make an archive for each month of entries eventually. yesterday was a weird day. m got upset about me not feeling like having sex before i had to work. its so frustrating. after work i was going to take a nap. she was in bed too and then she took off all her clothes. i know she wanted it, i just felt weird. i didnt want her to get mad at me so i took off mine too. we had sex. it was fun while it happened but i didnt feel good afterwards.

today m left in the morning for a trip back home. she should be home any minute. its nice to have alone time. i have time to just think about dying. i played kirby a lot. im gonna be sad when i finsih the game. im almost done. since she was gone i had to take the bus to work. i dont like it cause it takes an extra hour to get there and back. i saw one of my drum students on the bus though. it was interesting talking to them outside of lessons. i like all my students a lot. most of the time i feel like a decent drum instructor.
i dont wanna work at the hardware store tomorrow. i want to sleep all day. i dont feel good. i dont have anything else to say right now. im going to browse neocities and ss.